Heart of Darkness
by Micaiah
Summary: "Sammy will never give up on me, even if I was choking the life from him. I can't let it come to that." Tag to 10.09, The Things We Left Behind, Angsty, because how can it be anything else after that episode?


There's blood on my hands….so much blood…..and I can't look my brother in the eye. I can't tell him what he wants to hear…..I can't lie to him….not anymore, even though he's begging me to do it. He's begging me to lie and I know he'd believe me but he needs to know….he needs to know how dangerous I've become. He needs to know so he can let me go.

The knife in my hand clatters to the floor as I stare at the carnage. I did this. I killed a room full of people while barely batting an eye and even though I know it was wrong, there's something growing within me…..something that wants to do it again…..something that demands more blood and it's never going to stop. I can't make it stop. It's a siren song coming from inside of me…..luring me into the dark….the darkness of my own soul.

"Dean!"

I hear Sammy's voice but it sounds as if he's miles away. I wish he was. I wish he was anywhere but here because I'm afraid…..I'm afraid of hurting my brother…or worse. I won't look at him. I can't. And then I realize he is crying and I am not totally lost yet….Sam's pain gets through to me like nothing else can. A scream of pure agony rips from my throat and I reach for my brother, who is still kneeling before me.

Without hesitation, Sam's arms are around me and we clutch desperately at each other…..as if our bond can overcome anything but I know it can't. Not this time. There's nothing that can save me now.

"Sammy…..I'm sorry." The apology is choked with my own tears…..tears of shame and regret. I want my brother to push me away….to tell me I can't just apologize and make everything okay….but he only grips me tighter. This would be so much easier if he would just be angry with me but I feel the determination in his embrace. He still thinks he can save me and for a moment my heart feels as if it will truly break.

"We have to get out of here." Sam finally pulls away, wiping quickly at his face. He retrieves his gun from the floor and tucks it into his waistband. I remain where I am, unsure of what to do next but Sammy has gone into protective little brother mode and reaches for my hands, pulling me to my feet.

He ushers me out to the car, one arm around me, supporting my weight as if I'm an invalid. As he tucks me into the passenger side, I'm vaguely aware of Claire staring at me in horror from the back seat. Castiel is standing beside the car and a look passes between us. He knows what he has to do. He knows what I made him promise. He knows I'm beyond saving, even if Sammy can't see it.

"Keep an eye on him," Sam tells Castiel. "I have to go back in to get the knife and wipe our prints from everything."

Cas nods and remains standing sentinel but as soon as Sam disappears into the house he opens the passenger side door and kneels so he is eye level with me. I find that Sam is not the only one I can't look in the eye and unfortunately the only place left to look is the bloody hands resting in my lap. My heart starts to race as I recall the ease at which I slaughtered a room full of men…..humans. I am a murderer…..a cold blooded killer.

"Dean, are you okay?"

I'd laugh at the absurdity of such a question if I was capable of it but at the moment there is nothing resembling laughter inside of me…..there's nothing but darkness….and sorrow. At least for now there is still that.

"Cas, you know what you have to do."

Cas remains silent but I know he is staring at me in the awkward, uncomfortable way that he always does. Somehow when he does that, he seems to know what's going on inside me…..as if he can read my mind and that's when I realize he just asked me a question he already knew the answer to. He knows I'm not okay but just like Sam, he'd rather be lied to than forced to face the truth.

"Cas, you promised me…"

"Dean, you can't ask me to do that."

Finally I raise my eyes to his and I see him flinch. What horrors does he see when he looks at me now? What does he see when he looks into the depth of my eyes? I'm not the role model he claimed I was only hours before. I am a monster and he's the only one who can end me.

"Ask you to do what?" Sam has returned from the house, the bloody knife clutched in his hand. His eyes are anxious as he looks from me to Cas. "What does he want you to do, Cas?"

Cas pulls himself up to his full height, which even for an angel is much smaller than Sam. "He wants me to end him, Sam. Your brother wants me to kill him."

"I won't let you do that, Cas." He moves closer to the car, blocking Cas from my view.

"I don't want to, Sam, but….." Cas hesitates before finally saying the words we all know are true. "I don't know if we can save him."

Sam's back is to me but I can see how he is steeling himself against those words. Protective little brother mode has now been combined with full on denial mode. Sammy will never give up on me, even if I was choking the life from him. I can't let it come to that.

"Guys, I think we really need to get out of here," Claire pipes up from the back seat. I'd almost forgotten about her. She's a strong girl. I may have terrified her but she's still thinking clearly….something the rest of us aren't capable of at the moment.

"Claire's right. We can discuss this back at the bunker." Cas moves to get into the backseat with Claire but Sam stops him. He steps in close to the angel and lowers his voice in hopes that I won't hear him but I do. I hear every word and I know I'm not the only one who knows darkness.

"Cas, you're like family to me but so help me God, if you kill my brother, I will end you, if it's the last thing I do. Do you understand?"

I can't hear the answer Cas gives him but as he climbs into the backseat, I know what I have to do. I can't depend on Cas to kill me because he cares about Sam just as much as he does me and doesn't want to hurt either of us but I can't take a chance on hurting my brother. I have to get as far away from both of them as soon as I can. I would rather die than hurt Sam and if Cas won't end me, there has to be an angel somewhere who will.

* * *

><p>I've had my fair share of awkward road trips in the past but this one ranks right up there at the top. With Claire in the car no one feels they can speak freely, which is a blessing for me because I'm unable to really speak at all. My mind is numb….still trying to process what I've actually done and what I will soon have to do. From the corner of my eye, I see Sam glancing over at me from time to time. I know he's worried and I'd give anything to spare him this pain.<p>

I should have done something sooner. I should have disappeared as soon as I knew the Mark was going to become a problem because who am I kidding? I've known for a while now that something like this was going to happen. I've tried to lie to myself and to Sammy….tried to make us both believe that everything was okay, all the while the hunger for blood was only growing stronger and no matter how many other ways I tried to feed that hunger, there was only one way it was going to be satiated. I knew that and yet I still tried to deny it. How stupid could I be?

Cas and Sam decide that Jody is the best person to take in Claire for a while and Claire doesn't seem to have an objection. After the things she has been through, Jody and Alex will probably seem like a normal family to Claire. Sam makes a call to Jody and she agrees to meet us somewhere in Iowa….I have no idea where. I am still only dimly aware of what is going on around me but a few hours later when we pull up at a Gas-N-Sip, I see Jody's concerned face as she stands beside her car and I wonder what Sam is going to tell her about me.

Jody and Alex approach the Impala and I remain where I am. Sam's window is down and even though he's moved to the front of the car to converse with Cas and Jody, I can see Alex and Claire sizing each other up and I hear Claire ask: "So, how did you get caught up in this freak show?"

Alex shrugs. "My Mom was a vampire."

"Oh, yeah?" Claire sounds as though she might be mildly impressed.

"So, what's your story?"

"My Dad's an angel."

"Whoa, really?"

And just like that, they're walking back to Jody's car, heads close together in conversation as they compare notes and commiserate. Somehow I think they'll be very good friends. They definitely have a lot in common….unfortunately for both of them, one of those things is knowing me. The farther away they are from me, the better. I'm glad Jody is taking Claire with her…..one less thing for me to worry about when we get back to the bunker.

I hear a sharp gasp and turn my attention back to the front of the car where Jody has covered her mouth with her hand and is looking in my direction. How much has Sam told her? Once again I focus on the blood covered hands resting in my lap as she comes to my side of the car and opens the door. She looks at me and then calls out to Alex: "Alex, can you bring me my bag, please?"

Alex deposits the bag at Jody's feet and hurries back to her new found friend, barely giving me a second glance. Jody kneels beside me and digs into the bag. I'm not aware of what she is doing until I feel something wet touch my hands. I jerk away at her touch but Jody grips my hands firmly, washing away the blood with hand wipes she produced from her purse.

"What happened, kiddo?" she asks softly.

At the sound of her voice, I begin to cry, tears coursing silently down my cheeks. Jody finishes the task of cleansing my hands and I wish desperately she could somehow cleanse my soul as well. Once they are clean, Jody holds my hands in both of her own.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head no. I can't talk about it and even if I could…it's too late for me. No amount of talking is going to change what happened. No amount of talking is going to save me from myself and if I don't hurry and get away, no amount of talking is going to save anyone who is near me.

Jody holds my hands for a moment longer and then reaches up, turning my face toward her, forcing me to look into her eyes. She wipes a tear from my cheek and gives me a sad smile.

"You're a good man, Dean Winchester. Don't ever forget that."

"You're wrong," I whisper hoarsely.

Jody gets to her feet and leans over to plant a kiss on my forehead. "I'm not wrong, Dean. And neither is Sam. He still believes in you."

She closes the car door and gives me a small wave. I watch as she hugs Sam good-bye and exchanges a few last words with Cas, who has already said his good-byes to Claire. As Sam climbs into the car he reaches over and squeezes my arm.

"She's right, you know? I'll always believe in you, Dean."

I nod as a tear falls into my lap. "I know you do, Sammy. I just can't believe in myself…..not anymore."

Sam starts the car and doesn't attempt to say anything else on the way back to the bunker. Cas remains silent in the back seat and I wonder how long it will take me to get away from them both once we're back in Kansas. I feel an urgent need to hurry because the gnawing hunger is back and I'm not sure how long I can control it before it demands to be fed.

_Drive faster, Sammy, please._

* * *

><p>When we arrive at the bunker, I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for weeks. My body is exhausted and I can tell by looking at Sam he feels the same. But however much I want to sleep, I know I can't. I don't have time and neither does Sam. The sooner I am out of here, the safer Sam will be. But for now, I can use the need for sleep to my advantage.<p>

"Do you want anything, Dean?" Sam has followed me to my room and is standing in the door.

I shake my head. "I just need some sleep."

I collapse on the bed, hoping Sam will retreat to the confines of his own room soon. He crosses the room and pulls a blanket up to my chin. "If you need anything…you know where I am."

I nod and close my eyes, not trusting my voice to reply. This is the easiest way. I'll disappear while he's asleep and this time I'll make sure he can't find where I am…..at least not before I can find an angel who will do what Cas won't. After that, it won't matter. I'll be gone and Sam will be safe.

I wait silently for a couple of hours, the events of the night replaying over and over in my head. I couldn't sleep even if I really wanted to. When I feel sure Sam's had enough time to go to sleep, I creep from my bed and begin gathering a few things for the road. I don't know how long it will take me to find another angel but based on the last time I prayed for one, this should all be over soon.

Cas is still somewhere in the bunker but he won't try to stop me. He knows what has to be done even if he can't do it. I probably should talk to him before I go. He needs to explain things to Sam…..to make him understand that this is the way things have to be. As I put on my jacket, I hear something move in the hallway. I look up and Sam is filling the doorway with his girth, making it clear that he's not letting me leave here…..not without a fight….and a fight is the last thing I want, although something within me is telling me that's not entirely true. A shudder runs through my body. I have to get out of here _now._

"So, you were just going to disappear again, huh? Is that it?" The words don't come out with nearly as much venom as Sam would like for them to. He's too hurt to be angry.

"That was the plan, yeah."

"Do you really think I'm that stupid, Dean?"

I shake my head. "No. I was just hoping you were that tired."

"I can't sleep after what happened tonight! I have to figure out a way to get rid of the Mark. I've been doing research and waiting for you to make your move."

I smile in spite of myself. "You know me too well, Sammy."

Sam gives his own sad smile in response. "You know me too, Dean. I'm not giving up."

"It's too late, Sam."

"I refuse to believe that."

Castiel appears in the hallway behind Sam.

"Are you here to stop me too, Cas?"

Sam turns to face the angel, hoping to find an ally but Castiel shakes his head. "No, I won't stop you, Dean."

"You're not going to kill him!" Sam moves until he's blocked me from Castiel's view.

"No, I'm not going to kill him, Sam, but I won't stop him from leaving. He's a danger to you and everyone else he comes in contact with." Cas moves past Sam until he's standing in the room with us.

"All the more reason for him to stay here!" cries Sam. "He can't be out there where he might hurt someone else. He needs to be here where we can protect him until we can find a way to remove the Mark."

"I can't take that chance, Sammy. I don't want to hurt you."

Castiel sidles toward my brother and gives me a small nod. That's when I realize he's not here to back Sam up. He's here to help me escape. He knows what has to be done even if he's not the one to do it. He can still help me in his own strange way. Sammy is going to be pissed but better to be pissed than dead.

"Sam, you have to let me go."

"No….Dean, I can't. You can't do this to me again. You can't." Sam's defiant look is replaced by one of fear…..he knows he's on the losing end of this battle and the sorrow in his eyes is almost more than I can stand. Maybe he's right…..maybe there's a way….and then I feel the hunger and I know the only way this ends is with me in a grave….permanently.

Sam turns to the angel one last time. "Cas, _please…."_

Castiel looks pained as he replies: "I'm sorry, Sam."

There are tears in Sam's eyes this time when he looks at me and I see the defeat but it's not in him to quit…..not ever….so he pulls the only weapon he's carrying at the moment, the pistol tucked into his waistband, and aims the gun at me. "I'm not going to just let you walk out that door, Dean. I'll shoot you in the knee if I have to."

"Sammy, don't make this any harder than it has to be." I reach out my hand, motioning for him to give me the gun.

Sam shakes his head. "No, Dean. I won't let you go. I can't. _I can save you._"

Sam begins to weep but the gun in his hand remains pointed at me.

"It's too late for me, Sam. We've found no clues, nothing to tell us how to remove this Mark. I can't go down this road again…we know how it ends and I can't come back from that again. Please don't ask me to."

"Dean…"

The gun in Sam's grasp dips toward the floor and I gently remove it from his hand before pulling him into a tight embrace, knowing this is the last time I will ever feel my brother's arms around me. We stand that way for a long while until I finally pull away.

"Keep fighting, little brother."

I give Cas a small nod and Sam's eyes go wide as he has just enough time to realize what's going to happen. He reaches toward me and clutches my hand as Cas puts him into a deep sleep. We both catch him before he hits the floor and wrestle his tall frame into the bed.

"He's gonna be so mad when he wakes up," I warn Cas.

"I know." Cas smiles at me sadly. "But he'll be safe. I'll watch out for him, Dean. You don't have to worry."

"Thanks, Cas. Look, I'm sorry I asked you to kill me. I shouldn't have done that." I let out a forced laugh. "Desperate times, man."

"I understand why you did it."

"And I understand why you can't. But hey, it works out better this way. Sam would never let you hang around here if you killed his brother." I try to smile and fail miserably.

"I'll miss you, Dean."

I find myself getting choked up again so I just nod in reply. One last time I reach over to brush a strand of Sammy's too long hair out of his face, then I gather up my stuff and head to the garage. At least I can have my Baby with me for this one last ride. I crank her engine and listen to the motor purr.

"Just you and me, Baby. Let's take one more ride together. Whaddya say? For old times' sake."

I maneuver her out of the garage, knowing she feels the pull of the open road, same as I feel the pull of the darkness within my heart. She knows we need to hurry, that whatever I'm running from is catching up quickly. I punch the gas and she responds, faithful as always, as we flee into the night.

* * *

><p><strong>SAM AND CASTIEL<strong>

Castiel knocks softly on the bedroom door. Sam should be awake by now but when there's no reply from the other side the angel shoves the door open and finds Sam sitting in the floor, blood pouring down his arm.

"Sam, are you okay?" Castiel is in a panic. He's promised Dean he'd take care of Sam and things are already spiraling out of his control.

"Cas, when you get back, I want you to find Cain. He can help Dean." Sam's voice is low and menacing, unlike anything Castiel has ever heard from the youngest Winchester.

"What do you mean, when I get back? Where am I going?"

Sam scoots over so Castiel can see the angel banishing sigil he's painted on the floor behind him with his own blood.

"I don't know where you're going and I don't care but you're getting the hell out of my way."

"Sam, wait….."

Sam slams his hand down on the sigil and Castiel disappears in a blast of light.

"I'm finding my brother you son of a bitch and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome and greatly appreciated!<strong>


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